this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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