I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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