if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we're making bets on your personal life
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
