U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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