It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
