So drunk its hurt
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
