Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
