My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
