i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
