This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
