My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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