Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
