I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
