she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
