We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
