I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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