i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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