Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
