I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
