I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
