Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
