My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
