guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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