i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
