my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
