When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
