I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
