Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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