dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
