dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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