i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
