If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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