I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
