So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
