I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
