Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
