I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I have demons in me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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