i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
