Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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