Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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