hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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