My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
