youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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