My sheets look like a crime scene.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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