she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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