i think my tv is drunk
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you will always have a special place in my vag
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
