Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
