i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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