i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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