ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
