Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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