Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
