I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
