My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
