I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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