It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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