Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
