The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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