I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
